“I wish I could…” Facing The Spousal Objection

“I wish I could have a home birth but my partner won’t have it!”

My ears perk up whenever I hear a woman say that she CANNOT do ____ (fill in the blank) because her partner won’t allow it, is not on board, or not comfortable with her wishes. In the case of a pregnant woman, it often has to do with birthing out-of-hospital.

I find “The Spousal Objection” fascinating.

When a woman knows herself and makes decisions from her deep knowing, she will find the support she needs.

That support might not look the way anyone expected. The people in our life respond to what they perceive energetically from us, not to our words. When we are apprehensive, they want to protect us. When we are empowered, we all grow from the experience regardless of the outcome.

By allowing a partner to make a life changing decision for us, we give our power away and postpone facing our True Self.

We also deprive ourselves and our partners from experiencing life in all its blissful, sometimes messy, unpredictable fullness.

It is definitely important to address the birth partner’s feelings and concerns with love, compassion and curiosity.

You also want to ask yourself, “Is this my partner’s apprehension OR my own apprehension being reflected back to me?”

When a woman knows herself she will not hide behind her partner’s apprehension; she’ll face it with love, compassion, curiosity and determination.

Life and birth are about personal responsibility. Whenever a woman owns her power we all gain.

If you are facing THE Spousal Objection in relation to childbirth consider exploring these five steps.

This exploration will lead you and your birth partner to creating a Birth Vision that will support you both, enriching your relationship and the birth of your baby.

1. With compassion and non-judgement, ask yourself:

• Is this person/situation bringing something up for my own healing (e.g., codependency, using my voice, any form of abuse)?

• Do I have any fears about childbirth?

• What experiences have I had that influence how I view birth (e.g., cesarean, abortion, miscarriage, traumatic birth, traumatic childbirth, rape, sexual abuse, stories I have heard about how women birth in my family)?

• How do I feel about my body’s ability to give birth?

• How do I feel about becoming a mother?

• Am I willing to take full responsibility for my decisions?

2. Set aside time to talk with your birth partner about the upcoming birth. Take turns listening without interrupting each other. Listen with an open heart. JUST LISTEN.

• What are your partner’s expectations, fears and hopes for this birth?

• What are yours?

• How do you envision their support?

• How does your partner feel about seeing you in pain?

• Do either one of you have unanswered questions about the birth process?

• If either of you have birthed before, take turns sharing your memory of past childbirth experiences. Childbirth can be an overwhelming and sometimes traumatic experience for a birth partner as well. If something did not go as expected, your partner might have strong feelings that need to be addressed.

3. Sit with your partner and make a list of all of their objections. No need to explain, just make a list.

4. In private, sit with this list and reflect on each item as if these were your own objections.

5. What did you discover? Now you are ready to create your Birth Vision together.

Your Birth Vision is wider, more profound and more far reaching than a birth plan. It is about your values and what matters most to you individually and as a family.

Pregnancy, birth and parenting provide a unique opportunity for transformation, individually and as a couple.

No one can meet a partner’s needs perfectly 100% of the time. Your partner might prefer not to participate in the birth as your main support. You might prefer to hire a labor support person to help during the birth or make other arrangements that honor and support YOUR Birth Wisdom.

We all bring ourselves to the birthing room; every person who is in the presence of a laboring woman needs to be there to support HER decisions and contribute in a positive way to the laboring woman’s efforts.

Clearing and releasing any energy trapped in your mind-body system will open the space needed for peaceful birth and conscious parenting. I offer Fear Release sessions to guide you and your partner navigate these questions.

When it’s time to push your baby out of your body,
the only person required to be present at your birth is YOU!

PS– If you can, don’t wait till you are pregnant to do this work!

An OB/GYN’s Spousal Objection Story

Dr. José Gorrín, an Obstetrician/Gynecologist from San Juan, Puerto Rico is my favorite example of The Spousal Objection. He shared his transformation with the Orgasmic Birth website.

“I have been an obstetrician/gynecologist in both private and academic practice since 1973. When I married Ana, also a physician, we talked about having a baby, but she insisted that she have a home birth; she was never going back to a hospital to have a baby. I was not sure about that, I had never been to a home birth.

When Ana was pregnant she presented me with tons of information, videos, scientific evidence, and testimonies from the midwife she chose for the birth. I was impressed with the strength of her resolve.

When Ana Sofía was born, my life changed forever.

I had never seen a natural birth in over 25 years in this field! I thought I had been practicing humanized obstetrics, but was I wrong! Ana Sofía is now 10, and in this decade I have reinvented myself. I am a birth activist, and dedicate my efforts to changing the system for reproductive health care in my country. I want my daughters, and all Puerto Rican women to give birth in a safe, humanized environment where having a baby will no longer be an act of violence against women.”

“Being pregnant and giving birth are like crossing a narrow bridge. People can accompany you to the bridge. They can greet you on the other side. But you walk that bridge alone.”-African Proverb